The Takeover of ones, 'art of progression.'

If a list were put in front of you,

An invisible list on a blank sheet of paper.

What have you learned?

 & what is it that you know?

What have you taught?

And whom have you failed?

 And then,

Write me an essay so I may read it twice.

How long does pain last?

And then…

If a list were put in front of you,

An invisible list on a blank sheet of paper.

What have you learned?

There is no deadline,

I will be quite delighted to receive such perception.  

To sit here and write, all the nights that have passed since my last flight to the document of words. So busy lately, though my mind is heavy in tune like a hot air balloon.

Dates are unknown, but most of this was written this time last year. Just came across a 27pg lost word doc so tell the doc I’m lost for Wordz .. 

no special editing, justs coping and pasting… 

this is precious journalling goons and ghouls

this is history in the making 

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Hatred thoughts,

Hope you choke on reality, cause that shits deep and unless you’ve been fucked by life countless times you’re not a whore and if you’re not a whore, well then your throat can’t take the pressure. 

I want to black out in my thoughts, can I find it possible sober?  Unlikely- its available but through high concentration and little light. Just a taste of chemical would stimulate those “thoughts” that are unattainable “chemical-less”-the door is bolted with a lock too complex for a bobby pin. Why are holes in my brain the key? & why am I so curious so be somewhere I shouldn’t… Curiosity killed the cat, good thing I’m no pussy. 

Flitter flutter my stomach sick like the gutta-cept its full o glitter and my kisses usually bitter and my thoughts usually quicker but ive been chillin with MJ (stealer of all my thoughts) Im a whore in the world of sgurd, I just cant seem to let go. Complete sobriety? Like saying a hate free society. My taste buds are forever changing and lately my mood goes with music and the weather. Living in FL, you’d think it was always sunny. Mostly when I was a kid that was the case but it’s a new age and global warming has an effect- this year so different than the rest and its def having its effect- I’m bi-polar & its artic in this soul tonight.

Adapting to the darkness will bring you bliss you silly little kids with your silly little trends when this is a lifestyle-while your feet are wide mine be narrow. Good luck squeezing in these VANS- completely adapted to years of loving one pair of feet- and if you do end up squeezing in- safe travels walking around uncomfortably for how ever long it takes you to realize this life is not cut out for just everyone. 

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Sadness ate away my heart and my hate spit it back at the world in disguise as love. What I feel is short of compassion, its anger and hurt and disappointment. It’s regret and confusion. Its envy and Jealousy, as the years go on the hate grows. Watch my beauty turn into the most disgusting creature you’ve ever imagined. A creature you couldn’t tame even if you were Hercules, with the Gods in your favor and all the power in the world. I’d destroy you-through torture and run down your emotions. I’d break you from the inside out to the point where I wouldn’t have to finish you off, but you’d do it to yourself. My heartless state of mind, it’s a terrible place to imagine but it resides in me. It resides in all of us.

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Addiction. What an intense word to describe the way you feel about an object.

Habitual psychological and physiological dependence on a substance or practice beyond one’s voluntary control… The dictionary says beyond ones voluntaries control. So we’re choosing to be out of control. Then complain when we don’t have enough control. Once again, the human mind is such a detailed and complicated piece of us. And we don’t even use all of it. I guess that’s why I did drugs. I have this belief that when I’m on any kind of drug, I can think in so much more detail. To the point where memories are actually happening. Like my dreams in the daylight. Or maybe thats why I do drugs so that when I fall asleep I don’t see all that garbage cause the Lord knows what happens when I go to sleep sober and its nothing beautiful. It’s dark and detailed and determined to bring me back to times I wish to forget or creates scenarios way worse and more detailed than my reality. Past my values, & morality. Slit throats in valleys. Scary to say the least. & still I proceed on. I still keep moving because I know that there’s more to life than fear, than the ‘devil’ trying to trick me into his schemes and manipulate me into his fear based reality. There’s good in every kind of bad. Even in death. Theres a life well lived, & chances are that one-person changed another’s life. That’s what I have to do. Look for the positive in the negativity, cause if I dwelled in my past I’d be stuck in an ocean of molasses and slowly I’d sink until finally I died a slow and painful death, choking on my thick, stubborn choice to live in fear. So I’m not sure what’s worse.. My addiction or the people who choose to kill themselves without the crutch. I’ll take the drugs please. Only in doses though, because along with choice there’s the conscious decision of control. & along with control- there comes honesty. & can I be honest with myself? Everyone around me is convinced I have a problem but am I willing to fall into their close-minded opinion. Absolutely not. Everything I do in life has intention, everything. So when I make “mistakes” that are directly related to my addiction, I learn from them. I don’t believe in mistakes. Along with intention, everything in my life has an experience from which I take what I want from it. But this is personal and to anyone who doesn’t take the time to understand my intentions, fuck you. 

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